Kirsten Lobe

After chronicling her journey from single gal to single mom, fashion designer-turned-author Kirstin Lobe steps off the page and into this season’s classic styles.

Kirsten Lobe breezes into Madison’s La Brioche True Food bakery and restaurant, smiling as she nabs a seat at a sunny table near the front counter. For the next hour, over diet soda and good conversation, she alternates between laughing aloud and sinking deep into thought. The fodder for the day’s discussion is her time in Paris—the dreamy locale that served as her home for eight years and the setting for her first two novels, “Paris Hangover” and “French Trysts.”

Her debut novel, published in 2006, offers a playful, fictionalized account of Lobe’s early years in Paris, including how the Madisonian arrived across the pond in the first place. She was 33 and living the high life in New York City—having worked her way from Madison through the famed Parsons School for Design and into a lucrative career as a fashion designer for the likes of Calvin Klein and Oscar de la Renta—when she left it all behind. Packing her bags, Lobe bid au revoir to America and boarded a plane to chase her dream of living in the City of Lights. It was a spur-of-the-moment decision she would never regret. 

Lobe’s second novel, a steamy chick-lit romp chronicling the life of a Parisian courtesan, followed in 2007, and was published just as she was adding another title to her résumé: mother. Lobe had long yearned to start her own family, a desire she detailed through her character’s eyes in “Paris Hangover,” and ventured into parenthood solo from the outset.

Today, the 44-year-old is the proud mother of a beautiful 4 ½-year-old boy, Oscar, and the proud author of, “Paris, Baby!” a memoir in which she’s turned her stream-of-conscious writing style inward, reflecting openly (and humorously) on the journey from jet-setting single woman to suburban single mom—and the heady decision to leave Paris to return to her Midwestern roots.

Now proud to call Wisconsin home, Lobe reflects on the path that brought her back, and the life lessons gleaned from her adventures—from chic style tips to personal realizations and all the laughs she’s had in between.

Welcome to Kirsten Lobe’s witty world.

Let’s start with your most recent book. You wrote “Paris, Baby!” while adjusting to life as a new mom and adjusting to life in Wisconsin after more than 20 years away. Which was the more life-altering change, the baby or the return to the Midwest?

Hmm, what a fine question. ‘Life-altering’ can mean many things. Though one might think becoming a mother (and a sole parent at that) after decades of total freedom would be more life altering, it hasn’t been difficult a transition in the slightest. So, the answer would have to be, by default, moving to the Midwest. It brought so much ease and joy to be near family, but a surprising amount of emotional adjustment. I think anyone moving from a big city as extraordinary as Paris would endure the same culture shock in reverse.

Your first two books were fiction, though “Paris Hangover” was heavily influenced by your own story. What made you go the memoir route with “Paris, Baby!”? 

By amazing luck, ‘Paris Hangover’ was a bestseller and I was fortunate to receive feedback from readers all over the world. They responded that what touched them most was the honesty and the inspiration to chase your dreams. I think it resonated with readers [because] it wasn’t a conjured up tale but a real life adventure, with the highs and lows we all have in common—love, passion, betrayal, discovery, self questioning, success, failure.

You put it all out there in your books—from sex to taking on single motherhood to your parenting choices. Have you had to cope with much criticism of your work, your life or even your parenting?

I wouldn’t say that’s something very much on my radar. Criticism is inherently negative and I am an eternal optimist. I have seen an occasional tough review, and it’s true that the critical ones linger longer then the adoring ones, but I’m not trying to please everyone—it’s not realistic or even possible!

As for ‘criticisms of my parenting,’ I don’t get many, thank the lord. [laughs] Any advice or a rare critique I hear is generally from people without children, so I more or less let them roll off my back. No one is on the same journey, has the same situation, same challenges or hurdles, and I’d like to think, parent or not, we are all trying our very best. Bottom line: Oscar knows and loves his daddy enormously, has legions of adoring relatives, and is a boy full of love and laughter. I am so proud to be his mommy.

Your career has taken you down several different paths—model, fashion designer, furniture designer, jewelry designer, artist and now, writer. Did you ever imagine you would be ‘Kirsten Lobe, author’ one day?

[pauses] I think I grew up knowing I would be creative. I didn’t anticipate being an author, but I have been keeping a journal every day since age 7, so it’s something I clearly seek, enjoy, and is natural and fluid to me.

What led you to write “Paris Hangover”?

Truth? I had saved about $300,000 from my fashion days—and what is a ‘savings’ for if not to finance a dream?

After several years in Paris not working a ‘proper’ job, the funds dwindled and I thought, what could I embark on that would have no real start-up costs and either be a success out of the gate, or not? Writing was my choice, so I got a copy of the ‘Writer’s Guide to Agents and Publishers’ and sat down to write three sample chapters.

I know this is slightly odd, but in my Paris life, I chose to not have a television, radio or computer, so I wrote the whole first book by hand! Then I hired someone to type the pages out. Within a week or so I got a fax in the middle of the night from an agent who said she loved it, that I should write the rest and she would take it to St. Martin’s Press when it was done. So, I sat at my tiny desk in Paris and wrote every day until my hand ached. I finished it in four weeks, sent it to my new agent, and within a week or so, I got a book deal. Completely lucky. And I’m aware this is beyond rare.

Let’s step back to how you landed in Paris in the first place. Why Paris?

I fell in love with Paris when I was 16 and went to model there for a summer. The culture was overwhelming at first. But quickly I was swooning over every landmark, the cuisine, the way everyone was so different from what I’d known—how they dressed, spoke, their manners.

But why Paris? Gertrude Stein said it so well: “America is my country, but Paris is my hometown.” I know this sounds ludicrous, but I felt home there. The magic of viewing the sunset falling over the Seine from Napoleon’s bridge as you hear the bells of Notre Dame chiming forever alters your soul. So, about the time I was 33, I was ending a five-year love story and I thought, ‘now is the time to see Paris, see what I am really capable of and, on some level, see if I could pull off my life-long dream.’

You lived in Paris for eight years, and even planned to raise your son there. Living in France had been your dream, so what made you leave?

There was almost a precise moment, actually. It was a perfect sunny day when I took my darling baby, who was about 8 months old, to the Jardins du Luxembourg for a picnic. I noticed for the first time Oscar seemed almost a little sad. As a parent, their happiness is really your happiness, and it hit me: He needs more then just me.

Even with my love, nothing beats snuggles from grandparents, holding hands with adoring aunts or playing soccer with your uncle. Yes, Paris is rich beyond words in culture and history, but to a baby or toddler, these things mean little. I knew that the years that lay ahead had to be about my son’s needs and not my dream.

If you read between the lines of your books it seems like you dive wholeheartedly into any endeavor—no looking back. Is that how you would describe yourself?

I would! I find there is a lot to be said for the American spirit of ‘life is what you make it.’ You have to expand your thinking to never let someone else’s limitations influence your own actions. Change is good. It’s a chance to discover who you really are and what is important to you on a core level.

You are also honest, sometimes brutally so! Have you always been a person who calls it like they see it?

Yes, I think so. My mother had the same quality—a straight shooter. I think my whole family is like this; which can put the word ‘fun’ in ‘dysfunctional’ at family gatherings for damn sure! [laughs] I think that while I can be sarcastic, and honest to a fault, I am also a person that people know when I compliment, adore, seek out or engage them, it’s genuine. I don’t think I ever act with malice or ill intent in life or my writing. Often, I am just exaggerating something slightly to make it funnier.

Has it ever gotten you into trouble?

Well, USA Today liked my book but said I was a bit ‘snarky.’ I don’t know about you, but I would rather sit next to someone witty and a bit snarky at a dinner party than be seated next to a wallflower.

You may have been alluding to this already, but in both “Paris Hangover” and “Paris, Baby!” you poke a little fun at the style (or lack thereof) of those of us here in Wisconsin. Do you really think all there is to us are Packers sweatshirts and Birkenstocks?

Make note that ‘those of us’ includes myself! I’m a Madisonian, a Wisconsinite, the whole shebang. I love it here and the people are the kindest in the world! Sure we seem to opt for comfort clothes, yet that’s just an image. It’s one we may have earned, but it’s like any stereotype, just the surface.

And FYI, I bought Oscar tiny Birkenstocks, which he has worn all summer long and looks darling in! I think I would look like Peppermint Patty in them, but trust me, they are the most popular shoes among my family members. So if anything, I should buy stock in the company! [laughs]

You have to own at least one sweatshirt now, right?

Nope. It’s never been my nature. Even before becoming a fashion designer, I was an adorer of clothes.

What is the biggest fashion faux pas you’ve ever committed?

[Laughs] There have been many! At 18 I wore a strapless white dress to a wedding, having never been educated that it was a rude move. I semi-cringe thinking back to the days of college-student poverty where I convinced myself shopping exclusively at Ragstock for old men’s golf attire was innovative. And one would have to agree that when I visited Madison one summer during my design-school years, sporting black wavy Italian hair extensions woven into my dyed black hair and wearing an actual scallop-shell bikini top to the beach was complete insanity! I loved it though, even if I did wake up with my hair looking like skunk road kill.

Do you feel a certain freedom from Americans’ more relaxed attitudes about style?

Indeed. It’s completely liberating to know that, unlike in Paris, if you schlep on jeans, sneakers and a tank top, the service you get in a restaurant or business is going to be the exactly the same. In France, I used to laugh that I could go on an errand in something pretty shoddy, be treated shoddily, go home, change into something chic and voila, I’m instantly on the receiving end of lovely comments, service and charms. It’s a game there, silly as it may be.

What style tips or habits have you brought back from France with you?

Oh goodness, loads. I have a stronger appreciation for wearing the ‘classics’ and investing in fewer, quality pieces than leaping to buy every trend. A great scarf and some big jewelry is enough to make a statement. I wear almost no makeup, save lipstick, which I think makes a woman look younger and fresher. I also learned how to eat better in Europe; I eat a lot more fresh food and drink tons of water!

The list is quite long actually; living in Europe was one of the most rewarding, transforming experiences of my life.

Being someone who worked in the fashion world, what do you say to people who think fashion is superficial?

Fine. Terrific! I don’t want to be, nor am I pedantic about fashion or what people wear! It’s just been my interest over the years. It’s really a confidence booster to some people to put themselves together with style or thought.

For busy women out there, do you have any foolproof style advice?

I know this is going to sound hokey, but after traveling all over the world, you witness, whether it’s the Masaai in Kenya or spice peddlers in Morocco, it’s human nature to adorn oneself.

That said, I adhere to the notion of ‘wear one unexpected, interesting piece that feels like the essence of you.’ I have long made my own jewelry, which I guess are becoming semi-trademarks of my style. As is a studded black belt with a huge cowboy buckle I got in the boys’ department at T.J. Maxx for $10 ages ago—and everyone always compliments the darn thing. It’s not about money, trends or labels.

Other than that my advice is to keep perfume, a hairbrush, a favorite lipstick, cool sunglasses and a pair of nice earrings in your car. You can pull anything off if you look polished from the shoulders up and smell divine.

Back to confidence. You touch on this a bit in your book when you mention how during your pregnancy you suddenly cared more what people thought of you. Why do you think we women lose confidence in ourselves along the way? 

I believe our sex thinks a lot about the ‘what ifs and ‘what should I do?’ in anticipation of something. And though I loathe stereotypes, we are far more sensitive and emotional, so sometimes it might be just a slip-up at work or your child intensely defying you that can shift your emotional ballast. That said, I think the process of aging in this ridiculously youth-focused culture can be a source of anxiety.

Is there a difference between American women and French women in that regard?

Yes, [French women] age with elegance and poise; they dress accordingly and age-appropriately—and that quiet style lends itself to being confident.

You have an uncanny ability to laugh at yourself. Do you think that is important in life?

It sure is. Both my parents are hilarious, clever and great raconteurs, which showed all us children that you have to find humor everywhere. As a parent there are often moments of absurd frustrations, like finding yourself saying aloud, ‘no, darling don’t jam the box of cheerios into the DVD player.’

Is that a key to surviving motherhood?

That and good wine. I kid. No, not really.

What moments with your son make it all worth it?

Every moment. Even when I accidently step barefoot on a Thomas the Train in the wee hours of the night, even when arguing with him over putting on his pants and he is chanting, “No, not today mom!’ with great seriousness or when he insists on running around the neighborhood naked every afternoon. Our neighbors can confirm Oscar’s favorite outfit is his birthday suit.

Your decision to return to the U.S. was based partly on being close to your family. In the dedication of “Paris, Baby!” you mention both your mother and father as great role models in your life. What did they give you that you hope to give to your son?

Ahh, the list is endless! Each of them, in their own way, gave me roots and wings. I saw my parents being highly creative all their lives; my father was an award-winning architect. My mother was a brilliant artist who also illustrated childrens’ books. They both did this in tandem with being involved parents, there for every swim, diving or gymnastics meet and created, literally, a magical childhood for us all. They brought to all of us a fascination with travel, culture, art and history just as much as a love of being active and outside. I hope I have the best qualities of each of them and that Oscar is equally as fortunate.

In the dedication of your first book, you thanked your mother for teaching you to believe in the words of Henry David Thoreau: “Go confidently in the direction of your dreams. Live the life you have imagined.” Are you living the life you have imagined?

I am...in the way I envisioned it when I was in Paris and planning to return to Wisconsin. The only missing piece is the tree house for Oscar. But he does have an amazing outdoor playhouse that has everything from a BBQ grill to a phone, so I guess I am not a total failure in making the dream realized! [laughs]

What does it feel like to have found your place, your peace?

Perfect. When I see Oscar giggling with his Grandpa Ta, or wrestling with his cousin Ian, whom he adores, or getting a swarm of kisses from his Aunt Marisa, it is the best, most content feeling I’ve ever known. Frankly, even just driving into my garage, with him chirping away in the back seat, seeing it stacked to the rafters with his bikes, trikes, sleds, and red wagon, I am overtaken with happiness. This is who I am now and I am so glad to have gotten here.

•••