Sandwiched In

The unique struggles of the Sandwich Generation—those individuals caring for children while also caring for aging parents—have redefined midlife plans. Survive the stress and find the help you need with these tips from area experts

 By Lauren Kiesow

 Each generation has its struggles. For some the challenge was discovering fire, for others it was gaining the right to vote, and for children today, it’s convincing your parents you really do need a cell phone at age 5. But for adults, the modern-day challenge is certainly unique: As parents live longer, midlife adults are finding themselves sandwiched between raising children of their own and providing care for aging parents. It’s a phenomenon aptly named the Sandwich Generation (sans pickles and mayo)—and the cause of  unexpected midlife stress for many.
From the joy of watching your children tackle life with a chutzpa you can only remember to the pain of seeing your parents get weary with age, emotional and financial stressors can chip away at anyone. Before the workload grows to epic proportions, heed the advice of these area experts who offer several ways to prepare for and enjoy your life in the middle of it all.
 
Understand what’s on the menu
Simply identifying what you’re facing is the first step in responding to change. Understanding where you fall on the spectrum can help you identify with others and seek the help and understanding you need.
 
• If you’re a member of the original “sandwich” crew, you are tending to both aging parents and your own children, whether still at home or adult.
• The “club sandwich” group refers to people sandwiched between aging parents, adult children and grandchildren, or between young children, aging parents and aging grandparents.
• The “open-faced sandwich” involves taking care of any older person, including those not related to you.
 
Identify your role
We’re women; when needed, we arrive armed and ready. But simultaneously juggling the needs of others often results in neglecting our own. Take a moment to self-identify as a caregiver. This will allow you to realize that yes, you have another role in life and yes, you will need the assistance of others. It’s a new job, you’re the boss, and you get to delegate as you see fit. Let this be the catalyst for finding resources to not only help your parents, but yourself as well.Have “the talk”Thankfully, this talk doesn’t involve the birds or the bees (a round of applause for making it through that while we’re at it), but it can be uncomfortable nonetheless. Open the lines of communication and talk to your parents about their health, advance directives and their finances before an accident happens or they become seriously ill.
“You just have to say, ‘I don’t want to take your rights away, but...’ and find out what they want,” says Barb Thoni, director for the Area Agency on Aging for Dane County, who urges honest and forthright communication with parents. Getting these details down on paper, both legally and for personal reference, avoids confusion and assures that you understand your parents’ wishes.
 
Know your legal options
Once you’ve learned what decisions your parents want made, seeing an eldercare attorney is an appropriate next step. It may seem intimidating, but he or she will be able to help you secure financial agreements and advance directives, which describe the kind of treatment your parent wants if they become too ill to make decisions about their care. Options for advance directives such as durable power of attorney for health and financial issues, health care proxies and living wills are the most readily used. “Everyone should have them, and if you don’t, get them,” Thoni states adamantly. Not only will they minimize confusion if there’s an emergency, but they clearly articulate your parents’ wishes to any caregivers and professionals involved in their care.
Find an attorney in your area who specializes in elderly issues ranging from estate planning, powers of attorney, healthcare proxies and Medicaid eligibility on the National Academy of Elder Law Attorneys website at naela.com.
 
Ask for help
When assuming the role of caregiver, it’s easy to bite off more than you can chew. “The notion that mothers can handle ‘everything’ needs to be replaced with more realistic expectations,” says Denise Williamson, a licensed marriage and family therapist. “Taking on too much burden…will most likely [cause] burn out and [won’t] be helpful to you or others.”
The cure is simple: Ask for help. Enlist friends, immediate family members, your children and spouse to assist with the tasks necessary to keep the household going. “Clearly state [your] desires [and] include concrete examples with specific details as to household tasks, calls to be made, and errands to be run,” Williamson advises.  Or, look for outside help to assist you in managing both your parents needs and your own. Find resources, including caregiver classes and guides to local services at United Way Dane County (unitedwaydanecounty.org/caregiver), Care Wisconsin (carewisc.org) and the Area Agency on Aging for Dane County (countyofdane.com/aging).
Although it may be tough to relinquish control, asking for help is an honest way to lift the weight from your shoulders.
 
Revel in some “you” time
Whether it’s a quick walk, a moment alone to check e-mail or a coffee date with a friend, grant yourself permission to schedule some respite. Nurture yourself and your relationships—it will help keep you centered. Thoni notes that “during the time of caregiving, people are often selfless.” Taking—and enjoying—a few moments to yourself every day will allow you to decompress and recharge before tackling any to-do list.
 
Don’t forget the children
Caring for aging parents can radically alter the composition of a household, requiring a reallocation of time, energy and resources. In the mix of these changes, it can be easy to forget how this impacts your children. Although young children may not be able to articulate their opinions and teenagers are often out of the house, it’s important to make time for your children.
Include older children in caring for their grandparents. Dr. Steven Stein, an assistant professor of psychology for Upper Iowa University at the Madison Center and a licensed psychologist, is a proponent of soliciting your children to participate in caregiving. Williamson agrees. “It teaches children responsibility, compassion and self-worth,” she adds. Putting children in charge of certain tasks or chores is another way to empower them and show that they are just as important and necessary in the caregiving role as you are. Continuing a connection with their grandchildren can also be very important to your parents.
 
Set boundaries
Boundaries are critical, especially when caring for aging parents—even if they don’t live with you.
According to Williamson, one way to ensure your boundaries are honored is to make sure you’re getting adequate time alone with your spouse. Take time to reconnect outside of your bustling household—whether that means going for a walk or planning a date night. Insisting on time away will help children and parents understand this is an important—and necessary—facet to your life.
 “Make sure your parents know that setting limits is not a declaration of disrespect or withdrawal,” Stein says. And understand that your parents may want to set boundaries with you. No matter what type of situation they are in, they want independence and time to themselves as well. This simple reminder will foster breathing room in your relationships and promote a healthy equilibrium.
 
Remember the rewards
Caring for an older generation while ushering in the next one is a whirlwind—but it doesn’t have to be stressful. Helping your parents enjoy their golden years even has its rewards. Not only will your children get to spend quality time with their grandparents, but you will have the satisfaction of supporting your parents through a new stage of their lives.